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Are You being Used?
(the
guys and girls who'll try)
By Louise
Rothbart
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Your Review
June 1973 pgs.
22-23, 46-47
That very
special new dude of yours comes over every night to study his algebra with you,
"just because I love you," he says. But when you think about it, aren't you the
one who's doing most of the tough problem solving? And how about that best
girlfriend who thinks nothing of asking you to lend her your brand newest suede
platforms because "they go so perfect with my new 40's pants suit." But when you
wanted to borrow her chubby jacket for a party last weekend, it just
happened to be at the cleaners (so she said!)
It could be
just a coincidence that your beautiful new boy really didn't start laying all
this attention on you until you both happened to get that same algebra class
together... And maybe your girlfriend did unwittingly happen to send her chubby
to the cleaners, forgetting that you had asked her weeks before if you could
borrow it for that special party. Or could it be that you have been too trusting
for your own good, and you really haven't stopped to ask yourself.., are you
being used?
A True Love and a Real Friend are two of the most
precious things in life, and every person wants and needs at least one of each.
They really do make every day an incredibly happy scene... when things are going
right. Good friends and lovers are always right there when you're in need of
some Tender Loving Care.
But sometimes you'll find yourself mixed up with guys and girls who act like
they're crazy about you, but in reality they're not at all. To them, you are a
way to get something they want, something that's so important to them that
they're willing to pretend and play-act at friendship and love just to get it.
And what's even worse than learning that you're being
used by someone you really care about is what
being used can do to your head, heart, and happiness.
Girls Who'll Use You
Every girl knows that there are always going to be
creepy or insincere guys coming to her life who'll want to use her, at least
physically, if not in many other harder-to-spot ways (which we'll be rapping
about later on). But when a girl uses you, .letting you think all along
that she's really your best friend, she can hurt you more deeply in some ways
than any guy ever could.
Sometimes in a friendship you can feel that something's
wrong, but you're not sure what. Then you start thinking about it... She's
always really nice to you. She always talks a long time on the phone to you,
goes around school with you, and double-dates with you, too. But still, there's
something about your relationship that bothers you. Is she too nice to
you? Is she really using you for too many selfish things? When you start
suspecting a girlfriend is using you, how can you check her out and be sure? One
good way is to start judging her by what she does instead of by what she says.
You may find that your so-called best girlfriend is really one of the three
biggest user-girls:
Georgia Goodies-Lover
Georgia loves nice things so much that
they're all she ever thinks about. She has lots of stuff of her own-clothes,
jewelry, records, but she's tired of them. She'd much rather borrow or use all
yours. She likes to come over to your house and hang out there more than she
ever invites you over to her house. She likes the way you've fixed up your room.
She digs all your things, and before long she starts to feel (and act) as if
your stuff is hers too.
Georgia loves to go through your record collection and
play all her favorite songs on your stereo. When she gets on a kick like this,
you're lucky if she says three words to you. As she goes into her Goodies-Lover
number, you somehow get the feeling that Georgia has just "taken-over" your
room, your things, and your whole scene.
Your clothes and your jewelry are fair game for greedy
Georgia, too. Ever notice how often she'll borrow one of your favorite outfits
for some hot date she's got? That's fine for a real friend. But what really
tells where Georgia is at is that she usually makes you go to a lot of trouble
to get your outfit back instead of returning it right away like a real
friend would. She loves to go through your jewel box, pick out all the sparkling
pretties that appeal to her, and then hint around that she'd like to have them
to keep (as a "friendship" present?). If you aren't sucker enough to fall for
that, then she'll just "borrow" them like she does your clothes. Then you have
to go through a whole big number trying to get them back, too. If she doesn't
"lose" them. And when it comes to the money she's always borrowing from you,
forget it. Pay you back? Are you kidding?
So, what've you got to show for your "friendship" with
Georgia? Dresses ruined by lipstick smears and perspiration stains or not in
your closet just when you need them. Your records are either scratched or over
at her house. Your favorite jewelry is either on her or lost. And you're always
short of money because no way is she ever going to pay you back (and you're
still too soft-hearted to say
"NO!")
So, is Georgia a friend or a User? If you asked her
right out, she'd act hurt and tell you that she's the best friend you'll ever
have. (If she's right about that, you're in trouble, Honey!) Remember, no matter
what Georgia says, it's what she
does that tells where she's at. And
she's not doing anything that really matters for you, only for herself. That's a
friend? Don't you need help or advice once in awhile? Maybe you could dig having
someone to share your troubles or your successes with sometimes, somebody to
confide in. But you'll find that Georgia usually won't have time for that. And
even when she does, she's usually too self centered to be truly sympathetic or
to feel really happy for someone else.
The most dangerous fact of all is that
sooner or later, Georgia is going to really hurt you. It may be by borrowing and
"losing" or damaging something of yours you really treasure. Could be that one
outfit that you love most of all your clothes. But whether it's a dress, your
best piece of jewelry, or your best boyfriend, when her desire to possess and
keep it wins out over your "friendship," she'll be gone for good. And you'll
never see her or it (or him!) again.
Priscilla Pilot Fish
If you've ever seen a special on TV about the sea and
the many kinds of fish that live there, you may have noticed that sharks are
always being escorted by smaller fish called a Pilot Fish. The Pilot Fish goes
around with the shark so that whenever the shark makes a kill, the Pilot Fish
gets a piece of the action, too, by gobbling up the left-overs.
Well, Priscilla is the kind of a girl who, when it
comes to getting guys, operates just like that Pilot Fish. Now you may (or may
not) be the Foxy Queen of your school with every guy there your personal love
slave, but you do get your share of the available crop of Foxes. Priscilla knows
this and that's exactly the reason she hangs out with you. When a new guy spots
you, especially one you like, she wants to be around. Not necessarily to snag
him for herself (though that definitely is possible!) but to check him
out for any of his guy friends that she might want for herself. Not only that,
Priscilla is always willing and ready to grab up any of your cast-off guys, the
ones you get tired of or break up with. Okay, so that's cool, as long as you
don't decide in the future that you want one of them back. But remember,
Priscilla will be there to sympathize with the guy. It won't matter to her that
he's done you wrong and you're punishing him for it just to shape him up a
little. But her interference will ruin that Power Play for you.
The problem of hanging around with Priscilla Pilot Fish
gets worse and worse because it's an easy step for her to take from grabbing
guys you're done with to trying to get the guy you've got now. And Foxy Lady,
you don't know what hurtin' is until you've suddenly found out your best friend
is with your Superfox behind your back. So, no matter how charming and fun
Priscilla may be to go around with, watch yourself and your guys around her. If
your Heavy Fox is too much of a temptation for her to resist, she'll go for him
and forget you. And that'll mean you'll have nothing but heartbreak to show for
all the time and true friendship you've invested in Priscilla.
Laurie Loser
Sometimes you'll find yourself with a
girlfriend who's a loser with guys. Either they just don't dig her because even
though she's cute, she's so dumb that when she talks to them they either start
laughing or walk away shaking their heads! Or, more likely, she is just too lazy
or too straight and out-of-it to fix herself up and make herself
attractive. The other Foxy Ladies you know aren't as soft-hearted as you are, so
they won't let Laurie go around with them.
So, Laurie depends on you for all her companionship.
But there's something about her you like so you let her hang around. Before long
she's gotten herself in good with you,. and she's made you so used to being
waited on and helped by her with any little thing you want or need, that you
start thinking that maybe she's the best friend you've ever had. Groovy...for
her, but not for you, although you may think so at first.
Laurie has no other girlfriends, unless they're losers
like herself, in which case she'll usually drag them along to meet and hang-out
with you. This is just so guys will see them with you and think they're better
than they are. Before you know it, you find that the really with-it girls (and
guys) are starting to wonder about you.
At school Laurie follows you around everywhere. She has
to have lunch with you every day. And if you're flirting with a new Fox and you
want all his attention to be on you, Laurie will barge right in and intrude on
your Love Game.
She always acts insulted and hurt (and makes you feel
guilty) if you don't go to a lot of trouble and fix her up with a date every
weekend. And double-date with her every time you go out. But pretty soon the
word gets around, and maybe you aren't getting asked out quite so often because
the guys have wised up. They know now that if they want to go out with you,
their friend is going to be stuck with Laurie. Before long, neither Laurie nor
you are doing anything but sitting home Friday and Saturday nights with the boob
tube.
At first it's flattering to have another girl want so
much to go around with you. But a friendship is a two-way street. If you look
closely at Laurie, not letting your sympathy for her get in your way, you'll see
that Laurie is a Loser mostly because she's lazy or gutless. Instead of figuring
out how to dump the baby fat and get groovy, she'd rather invest all her time in
making you do for her what she ought to be doing for herself. She really has
nothing to offer you in return for all that you give her. She's not stimulating.
She doesn't have one idea of her own. All she knows about is what your with-it
mind has come up with. She can't share any heavy Love-experiences with you or
compare notes on guys because she never has anything wonderful happen to her
(again, her own fault).
The choice Laurie Loser forces on you is: you've got to
either force her to help herself, or dump her, cruel as that may seem. But the
truth is, that just might be what it will take to get her to stop being lazy and
get Foxy! And someday when she has a fox of her own, she just may thank you.
Guys Who'll Use You
There's no hurt like the hurt you can feel when that extra special dude turns
out to be the biggest disappointment of your life. And it's one thing to find
out that he just didn't really like (or Love) you as much as you hoped he would.
That's bad enough, but as a Foxy Lady, you know that neither a guy nor a girl
can always be held responsible for the Love Messages the heart sends. So, when
Love goes, it goes. And for that, he can be forgiven. But when you find out that
a guy not only never really cared for you at all, but also that he was
deliberately using you, that can really burn. What kinds of guys will try
to use a girl? Why will they do it? And what in the world do you do when you
find out one is using you?
Phil Physical
Filthy 01' Phil is the kind of a creep who pretends that he's flipped out
over you when really all he's interested in is having a physical relationship
with you. Most likely he's so incredibly cute that for you he's a very big
turn-on. And that may blind you for awhile. But pretty soon you'll start to get
the feeling that something's not quite right, and you'll begin asking yourself:
why is it Phil never wants to see you or take you anywhere unless there's
obviously going to be a chance for him to get you alone for some loving? How
come he only wants to be with you when he's in the mood to see you for his own
satisfaction? He disregards what you want, will seldom (if ever) take you where
you want to go. He never likes to have long, heart-to-heart talks with you,
either when you're together, or when you call him up (he hardly ever calls you).
He always wants to get off the phone as soon as possible, too.
Phil Can Freak Out
No matter how cute he is, and even though all the other
girls at school envy you because you seem to have supercute Phil all to
yourself, this guy can really turn out to be poison to your pretty head. Even
though you may not want to admit it to yourself, in your heart you know that
Phil doesn't really know or understand you, and what's worse, he doesn't want
to. He's so busy concentrating on his childish physical hungers that he's never
figured out the real way to relate to a girl. He doesn't think it's important to
be considerate, to care for you and cherish you as the precious,
one-of-a-kind feminine person you are. To
him you're not a person, you're an object, like a convenient "thing" he uses
when he wants to. (He probably really digs his car more than he does you!)
Two human beings who have a relationship like this are
cruising for disaster. Phil hasn't got the sensitivity to be hurt by this
relationship. He's too self-centered. So that leaves you...with emptiness inside
when you should be dancing and prancing through your day feeling deeply happy
and truly loved. Instead, you just go around wondering why you always feel so
bad.
Some girls get so hooked on a guy like Phil, maybe just
because he's so good-looking and charming (when he wants to be) that they just
can't give him up even though they're being eaten alive. That may be a trip
you'll have to take, too, as you try to get your heat away from him. But when
you find your true Superfox (the most stupendous turn-on you'll ever know!) and
you see how different things are with him than they were with Phil, you'll
wonder why you didn't dump (and destroy) filthy Phil Physical as soon as you
found out the truth about him. A Foxy Lady deserves the best of everything, and
that includes guys. Life is too short to fool around with fools like Phil.
One of the low-downest ways a guy will use you is to
try to get his old girlfriend back by going around with you. He hopes having you
seen with him will make her jealous. That's why so often she just
"coincidentally" turns up wherever he takes you. That's when he'll use any
excuse to talk to her to make her see you up close. He flaunts you in front of
her, and later watches her intently when he doesn't think you'll notice to see
if his plan succeeded.
Harry will show you a lot of attention all the time,
and act like he really cares about you, but the reason is really because he's
desperate to keep you around to make her jealous. But he's not always completely
cool. He can't resist talking to you about her sometimes. And even though the
words may not say so, the feeling given by what he says tells you that he's
always comparing you with her (and you're always second best in his eyes).
The awful and heart breaking truth about Harry is: no
matter how long he sticks around you, and how much you fall for him, all she has
to do is flick one little finger his way and he'll go running back to her,
leaving you flat.
Then, either he gets her back and you lose him, or he
blows it with her and comes crawling back to you. Either way, you lose respect
for him, and who can dig a guy you don't respect? And what about the pain you'll
feel knowing in your heart that even though he's with you, he'd rather have her?
And think about the resentment that you're going to feel towards him every
minute of every day because you know that? All for a heart-broken loser who
doesn't deserve five minutes of your fabulous Foxy Lady time or attention. And
remember the worst insult of all: When he's holding you, he's thinking about
her. Yes, even then.
Willy Weak-Ego
Willy is the kind of a dude who is really
super-unsure of himself when it comes to getting girls (and keeping them). So,
he's really concerned with how heavy he looks in the eyes of his guy friends. He
tries to get respect from them by dating the cutest girls he can get to go out
with him. The minute you've said "yes" and hung up the phone, Willy is calling
up his buddies to spread the news and tell them how wild you are about him. To
him, the fact that you've accepted one measly date with him proves to his
friends that he's got you. You are unknowingly helping Willy build himself a
reputation as a Superdude, or so he thinks.
The truth is that really groovy guys who
are extra good at getting girls never brag or even talk about it. They don't
have to. So when Willy calls them up with his latest sex story they see right
through him and know him for the creepo loser that he is. But what's worse, they
wonder about you for dating him in the first place. They wonder how come you
haven't spotted Willy for what he really is. Remember, happening guys figure
that a girl is the same
kind of person as the guys she dates.
They look at Willy as a loser so they'll assume you are, too. (Of course,
Willy's real friends won't think that way because they're losers just like he is
and wouldn't know the difference. But who wants their respect?)
You'll see Willy's true nature coming out
when he starts to try to tell you how to dress, the way to wear your hair and
makeup, and how to look and act in general. The reason for this is that he has a
certain image in mind for you, too. He wants the guys to dig you when they see
you with him. He wants them to think he gets the kind of a girl who's going to
be a Playboy Bunny someday. And if you don't want to look like that, he's going
to give you plenty of static, or drop you as soon as he finds a girl who will
dress and act that way.
Obviously Willy, and all the other guys
and girls who'll try to use you are not the slightest bit interested in the real
you. They either don't have any idea what Love is, or they're too selfish to
give Love to anyone. The best way to find out where the Users are really at is
to compare the way they treat you, and the feelings you get inside when
you're with them, with these facts about real Love, which is as different
as night is from day:
Real Love can exist either between a guy
and a girl or between True Friends of the same or different sexes. It is a
feeling of mutual belonging, not one-sided (or two-sided) using. It cannot be
destroyed by disagreements or disappointments. Someone who truly loves you does
not withhold love's benefits (affection) just to try to get you to do or be what
he or she wants you to. Love is neither taking or giving to satisfy separate
needs. It is sharing mutual needs and being happier together than you
were before you found each other. And being happier than you would be apart.
Real Love is the same thing in a way as
True Friendship: a relationship of equals, a scene where nobody is demanding
anything. No one rules the other person. And everybody is giving everything
because they really want to.
But Love, like everything else that
really counts in the Foxy Lady Lifestyle, takes courage to get and to keep. And
that includes the courage to drop the Users in your life, no matter how attached
to them you think you are. They're taking up and wasting your valuable time,
time that you could be using to get yourself ready for that superdude Superfox
who's trying to find you right now, this minute, as you're reading these words.
*
Star Magazine Copyright © 1973 Petersen Publishing
Company |
